So…this is…awkward.

Dear Diary,

So much has changed since I last wrote. I’m not sure whether I stopped writing because I had nothing to say, or because I had too much to say and didn’t want to. I miss blogging though, and I’d like to start back up again. Sitting here staring the WordPress interface feels comfortable and familiar like an old friend you meet up with after a long time, yet there’s that awkwardness of knowing that so much has happened since your last meeting, that to rehash all of it would take too long… so you just sit there politely sipping your coffee and hoping the other person breaks the uncomfortable silence.

Either way, I’ve missed the catharsis that comes with blogging, so like it or not, I’m going to force myself back into it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down to write over the last year, only to type out something that felt forced and redundant, and then to hit the backspace button until it had all disappeared.

Lately I’ve not been enjoying this “being a grown-up” business. I wake up some mornings and think, “I can’t adult. Please don’t make me adult AGAIN. I adulted yesterday!” I’d always looked at the adults in my life with a sense of confidence that once day, I would be taller, more stylish, more confident and with more money and time. I find myself taller, and most days not as stylish (unless yoga pants and old t-shirts are all the rage) feeling like I have NO idea what I’m doing, and always feeling like money and time are a scarce commodity. I feel like I should know what I’m doing by now, but every day feels like one big experiment in which the only constant is the lack of consistency. Am I the only one? Regardless, I press on. I hold my head up, slap on some lipstick and smile like I’ve got it all under control. I keep my plates spinning and the pins juggling and when I drop one, I act like I meant to drop it as I scramble to toss it back into rotation. Things are happening quickly and most days I feel as though this marathon called life is done at more of a sprint, and less of a leisurely jog as I would like. Of course, being a grown-up certainly has it’s perks. When I find out what those are, I’ll let you know 😉

Well, I realize that this post has a sad melancholy feel to it, but it’s what’s on my heart. Tomorrow’s will be sunnier. But for now, this reluctant grown-up has these things called responsibilities to attend to. Thankfully, four of them are pretty darn amazing and they call me, “Mommy.” Maybe adulting isn’t so bad.

Till Next Time,
Ash

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