Such a long while since I’ve last written. My baby, Elizabeth Rose was born happy and healthy on September 30th at 10:16pm. She’s a dream baby and such a little sweetheart. I’ll have to write more on her later.
The subject of my ranting and rhetoric today is me. A selfish topic maybe, but hey,…it’s my diary.
A few weeks ago, my family together, embarked on a journey of clean eating. Naturally, we’re trying to also begin a garden to grow our own food as well. (Tonight’s salad is brought to our table by OUR garden! So cool!) I’ve planted: lettuce, herbs, tomatoes, mint…and I’ve plans for many more things to be growing around our little house. Some days I feel like a pioneer woman, growing my own things, tending my little garden, buying freshly slaughtered chickens from a local farmer, buying eggs from the farmer up the road, local milk etc… I stood in front of my little garden the other day pondering all of this and mentally patting myself in the back. Suddenly my mental hand missed my back entirely and landed squarely on the back of my head. “This. This is my life.” I thought as I stood outside watering my garden in an oversized t-shirt and yoga pants which were soaked on the bottom from the limp hose sputtering and splashing in my hand. I ran a hand through my frizzy unkept hair and turned off the hose and shuffled inside. I laughed at the picture of myself and wondered what 17 year old Ashley would have thought of the 26 year old mother of 4 who, by appearances, must have “let herself go.” My subsequent chuckling turned into half-hearted crying for a minute as I sipped my coffee which was now cold. “Ahh motherhood,” I thought, “The time when you don’t ever get to drink a hot cup of coffee.” Sure, you get a sip when it’s piping hot at the beginning, but then it gets set down and forgotten while you’re chasing toddlers, feeding babies and cleaning up after the mysterious little elves who make messes behind you when you’re not looking. I thought of my childhood dream of being an actress. I had many dreams as a child. Every week it seemed, I was interested most passionately in a new venture. But my love of acting stayed. I had resigned myself to giving that up more and more with each new little arrival that joined our team. Sure, if I could, I’d drop it all and head to Hollywood or Broadway, taking my husband and kids along for the ride. But it wasn’t meant to be, and that’s not what would be best for the family. Most days, I’m okay with this. I embrace my role as wife and my calling as “Mommy.” Most days, I can find joy and fulfillment while wiping noses, changing diapers, picking up toys off the floor before Tim gets home, and tending my little garden.
My little garden.
Today, my thoughts went back to my little garden as I saw weeds growing around the pots containing my precious plant babies. I sighed as I thought, “Great, now I’m gonna have to start pulling weeds.” I hate pulling weeds. But the more I thought of it, the more I began to see my life and my role as a garden. I’m growing all sorts of little things in it. All the little things and “jobs” I do throughout the day, as well as my 4 children, are the little plants in my garden. (Some days I think I’ve overseeded) I carefully water and prune and feed all my plants. But lately, I’ve neglected the weeding. Gardens just aren’t as appealing or healthy when weeds are overrunning them. All this negativity and “poor me-I’ve-let-myself-go-because-I’m-not-a-famous-actress-or-really-not-even-an-actress-right-now-at-all-because-I-have-so-many-children-I-don’t-know-what-to-do…-oh-gosh-I’m-Mother-Hubbord.” All of that. And it’s silly. It’s a lack of perspective. If only I’d take the time daily to pull the weeds out of my garden, I’d daily see and be able to enjoy how lovely and full of life it really is.
So mommies….I see you. I get it. I’m right there with you. When you’ve done all you can do to gently parent your littles who insist of pushing all of your buttons at the same time, when you’ve literally wiped that nose a hundred times, when you just wanna pull your hair out from the whining, when sickness and car problems trump your “girls night”…..AGAIN, when you go to sleep exhausted and wake up just as tired, when you can’t remember the last time you sat down…or went to the bathroom, when you are expected to promptly and cheerfully fulfill all of the million requests made in whiny voices every day, when you think you’re going to lose it if you hear that tv show theme song ONE MORE TIME….. I get it. I’m right there with you. I understand. But, take a minute and get down in the dirt and pull out those weeds. Get the negativity out. Then step back and look at your garden again. Choose to see the life there, the fruit of your labor…literally haha. I’m still learning how to do this effectively and I hope I “get it” soon because I’d hate to get to harvest season only to regret how I let those weeds choke out my beautiful plants. Much love, Mamas. We can do this.
Well, this has been fun. I’ve missed writing, but now I’ve got to get back to disciplining one of my little plants who insists on throwing his ball against the wall inside the house.
Till Next Time,