Sunday

Dear Diary,

I couldn’t really think of a title for this one, so I’m going with “Sunday” for obvious reasons. Today was good. I slept most of the morning and we missed church. Evidently, Tim couldn’t wake me up. I felt bad about that, but I felt good today. I felt more energized and happy. That was helpful. I know one of the side effects of depression is that sometimes you sleep a LOT but today it felt good to have given in to that. I woke up this morning at about 5:30am from horrible nightmares I’ve been having lately involving family and people from my past. I awoke to silent pitch black darkness. Usually when we go to bed, we leave our bathroom light on for me, a hall light on for Jadon and the fan is always on. I can’t sleep in silence, or utter darkness. But I awoke to both. I froze, unable to move. When I’m truly afraid, I get paralyzed. Literally cannot move. I had to remind myself to breathe and reach over to wake up Tim. I was pretty well convinced in my half-waked state that someone was about to kill me. I woke Tim up and said, “Something doesn’t feel right.” He sat up and looked at his alarm clock which was dead. He got up and flipped the lights, which were also dead. “The power’s out.” He said. I felt sick. I was certain the one from my nightmare was in my house, had flipped the power off and was about to murder us. Tim took my phone and used the flashlight app on it to search the house. He asked me to check out the window to see if any other houses had their lights on. It was something he saw in a movie, but seeing the whole street pitch black was somehow comforting. At least I knew we weren’t alone. He (and the light) disappeared downstairs and unable to move again, I sat down where I was at the top of the stairs and waited, listening and holding my breath. Eventually, the light reappeared with Tim as he came back up to me and we went back to bed, concluding that the power to our neighborhood must have gone out. I kept the light on my phone on and about 20 minutes later, power was restored with a buzzing sound. I let out a breath I felt like I’d been holding for the last 30 minutes and sank back down under the covers to rest. It seems silly now, being so freaked out over a power outage, but it really did scare me. In thinking about the place I was in the other day when last I wrote, this clip from Desperate Housewives came to mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYhmiAnr6f8

This. This is me and how I feel constantly. One of my dearest friends, Chris is helping me to realize that I don’t have to have it under control, my kids under control, my house under control all the time. That it’s okay to let the boys fight it out, that it’s okay that my house isn’t perfect all the time, that it’s okay when the kids are yelling and making noises, they’re just kids. And I’m only human. Sure, the noise makes my anxiety through the roof, but I’ve got to learn not to let it get to me. She’s been so encouraging and as someone who has raised boys, I am constantly asking her advice and picking her brain on the care and keeping of my boys. She too struggled with depression as a young mom and is reminding me constantly that I CAN do this. That it’s gonna be okay, that I’m gonna be okay, and that my kids are gonna be okay. And some days, “It’s gonna be okay.” is the best thing I could ever hope to hear.

 

 

Till Next Time,

Ashley

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