Confessions of an Early Morning Monster

Dear Diary,

Goodmorning. I wish I was not awake right now, but I am. So I’m going to make the most of it and write…

Confession: I have magical powers. No really, I do. I just haven’t figured out how to use them properly yet. Let me tell you what they are. “If I think about something long enough, it happens.” Pretty cool huh? Jealous? You shouldn’t be. Unless you know how to use this. I don’t think I’m doing it right. See I can only get it to work if I’m thinking about getting sick. If I think about a stomach-ache long enough, I get one. If I think about a headache long enough, I’ll get one. You get the picture. I’ve been trying to apply this to other areas of my life, but unless I also have the power to make things invisible and I just don’t know it, there’s no Ferrari in my garage, so maid cleaning up my messes and no cats. Anyway, because of these special powers I have, rarely read about the side effects of medications I have to take. Otherwise I will develop them. Inevitably. I react poorly to a lot of medication anyway, so I wind up getting most of the side effects, but it’s still better not to know. Well this medication I’m on for an ear infection has produced some pretty crazy side effects so far… nausea, I can’t stay awake to save my life, upset stomach, dizziness, aches, pains….it’s not been pleasant. So with all of this, I finally read the side effects for this drug I’m taking and I’m beginning to think my doctor hates me: extreme drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, fever, joint stiffness, joint soreness, confusion, depression, yeast infections and in some cases…seizures. SERIOUSLY?!?!?! I have to be on this stuff until Sunday. Let’s hope I’m still alive by then! Geez!

Doctor: “well, Ashley, how are you feeling?”

Me: Zzzzzzzz….. ‘Wha? What? Oh sorry, well I’m feeling like…here’s a question, what does “dying” feeling like? I’m pretty sure I have that. But on the bright side, my ear feels better.”

So this morning for me, started at 4:45am. That’s right. And the reason for it is lame. Tim forgot to change his alarm from yesterday when he needed to be up that early to today’s alarm which should have been 5:45am. Extra hour of sleep….gone. Grrr. Plus, this is how “the alarm” works in our house. Tim’s alarm goes off and about 1-2 minutes later, it wakes me up. I lay there for about 2 minutes trying to go back to sleep, but getting more and more awake with every obnoxious “MEH!!!” that the demon box emits. Finally, I roll over and tap Tim on the shoulder, to which he awakens briefly and slaps the snooze button. I roll over and JUST as my brain is shutting back down to go back to sleep,… “MEH MEH MEH MEH MEH!!” I groan and don’t even give him a minute. I push him on the shoulder again and hope this time he turns it off and gets up. Then he slaps the snooze button again and says, “Hmmm I’ve got ten more minutes till I have to get up, do you wanna snuggle?” By this time, I know I’m not getting back to sleep till after he leaves, so I roll over and put my head on his chest and we snuggle blissfully and just as I’m about to close my eyes….”ccccccccccccccccccpppppppppppffffffffftttt” He’s snoring. My poor husband cannot sleep on his back without snoring. I hate this sound, so I get up and push him over so he’s on his side and then flop down and wait the 2 more minutes till his alarm goes off…again. “MEH MEH MEH MEH!!!” I push his shoulder and he finally turns off the alarm which by now I’m worried has woken up the entire state not to mention the 3 sleeping hooligans down the hall. He sit up and sighs and then turns around and gives me a very big sweet grin, “Good morning lovey.” He says. If he wasn’t so darn cute, I could hit him with one of my pillows.

The other way we start weekday mornings here, is that somehow, I’m in a part of my REM cycle where NOTHING wakes me up. Literally. I think Tim thought I was in a coma a few times when we were first married. No amount of yelling, shaking, pushing, poking or anything will wake me. You just have to leave for a few minutes and then come back and try again. At least that’s what I’m told -haha. So I’m in this coma state when Tim’s alarms go off, I don’t hear them, but he finally gets up and gets ready and then comes to wake me (if he can) and say “Bye” with a kiss before work. He shakes me till I wake up, to which I give either 1 of 2 responses, The first being that I barely awaken enough to grunt a muffled “Bye honey love you” and then flop back down to sleep, or I wake up fully and sit up to give him a hug and kiss before he goes. So when I wake up in the morning, I’m one of three creatures: A sleep deprived crazy monster, a sleepy slug, or a wife. Poor guy never knows which one he’s gonna get. Well, today I was the crazy monster for a bit and then I decided to make the most out of being awake this early, so I got up and make Tim some breakfast and coffee and cleaned the kitchen. By that time, it was time for him to go, so I sent him off with a kiss and went back upstairs and fell back into bed, only to hear Lilly rolling around in her bed which means she’s either going to wake up, or she’s having a dream and she’ll stay asleep for another hour. Ugh. No way to know. So I hear I sit typing away waiting for the kids to wake up, which they’ve been doing around 7 or 7:15am lately because the sun comes up earlier. But of course today, since I CAN”T go back to sleep, they’ll probably sleep till 8:30 or 9am just to spite me.

Someday I’m going to invest in those expensive blackout shades and see if they keep my little ducks asleep a little longer. Lilly’s woken up as early as 5:30am before and let me just say, I love my daughter, but that creature that rears its head mid-morning after being up that long is NOT my daughter. Yikes. Can we get an extra nap here on aisle 10??

Till Next Time,

Ashley

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