Little Dark Corners

Dear Diary,

I guess it’s my hormones outta whack with it being “that time of the month” or something. This month has been pretty bad. I struggled in the past with depression and it’s a daily (uphill at times) battle to keep from slipping back into it. I cut my hair when I’m depressed. Which is depressing because when you look back at photos of me since I had kids, everytime my hair was short, it was pretty much a sign I had just gone through a bout with the blues. Sure I cut my hair for a new look just like anyone else. The problem is, when I’m having a hard time keeping my depression at bay, I can’t stop cutting it. I cut it daily, sometimes twice a day. And I don’t cut, I hack. Which means it gets all uneven so I feel like I have to cut it more. Better than cutting myself I suppose. But it turns into a compulsion. I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see (a depressed person) and so I think if I cut just a little more off, I’ll be better. I’ll be okay. It never works and in the end I’m left with shorn locks, clutching my pillow and sobbing much like Jo in “Little Women” when she’s sitting alone at night crying over her short hair. I’ve gotta come out of this sometime very soon, or I’ll find myself with no more hair to cut. Sad. I’m not exactly sure what has brought on this latest bout of it, but it hit hard. Really hard. I’m struggling with my temper with the kids, I have no patience lately and I feel bad for the kids. I think that’s part of why I was so bummed when we had to cancel our trip this weekend. As much as I wanted to get away, it was more that I knew my kids needed a break from me. I know I’m a good mom, but lately I haven’t been the best mom. I hate that feeling. I’m not a perfectionist in any sense of the word, but I know when I’m not giving my all. And lately, I haven’t been. I feel restless, itchy in my skin and like I’m going to fly all into a million pieces at once. I think my anchor has come loose and my boat is rocking too much. Gotta reel that sucker in and recast it. Isn’t it funny how the thing you need to do is sometimes the last thing you want to do? I know I need to be spending more time with God, being strengthened and renewed, but when I get this way, I get angry at Him and give Him the “silent treatment.” How childish, right? I wish I could just get over it. I tell myself to just get over it, but as anyone who struggles with this demon knows, it’s not that easy. Being happy for me, is a daily choice that I make. I have help though, I lean on God and because of Him, I can get up in the morning with a smile on my face and know that nothing will rob me of my joy. Nothing. I should do more leaning. I know Tim’s going to be sad when he wakes up in the morning and finds my hair even shorter than it was before I went to bed. He doesn’t like short hair. I don’t like it that much either right now. Well, I should probably try again to get some sleep. I need to hide my scissors. But more than I need to hide them, I need to deal with the issue. I don’t really want to. Dealing with the issue hurts. It’s painful. But it must be done.

The next one will be happier, I promise.

Till Next Time,

Ashley

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